Use tu with friends, family, children and people your own age in casual settings. Use Lei with strangers, older people, shop and hotel staff, officials and anyone in a professional setting, until they suggest switching. Lei takes the third person singular verb, so "how are you" becomes Come sta? instead of Come stai?
English has one word for you, so the choice never comes up. Politeness in English lives in tone and in extra words like "could you possibly" or "sir." Italian builds it into the grammar. Once you pick Lei, the verb, the pronouns, the possessives and even the way you say excuse me all change with it.
The second difficulty is that formal you, Lei, is the same word as she. Lei è italiana? can mean "Is she Italian?" or "Are you Italian?" depending on who is in front of you. In formal writing, Lei is often capitalized to make the difference visible, but in speech, context does the work.
| Usually tu | Usually Lei |
|---|---|
| Friends and family | Strangers older than you |
| Children, and children talking to anyone | Shopkeepers, waiters, hotel staff |
| Other students and young people in casual settings | Doctors, pharmacists, police, officials |
| Classmates in a language course | Teachers and professors |
| Coworkers in many, but not all, workplaces | A new boss or client until told otherwise |
Age matters more than English speakers expect. Two twenty-year-olds meeting at a party will use tu from the first word. Someone of the same age asking a seventy-year-old for directions will use Lei. Advertising, websites and many younger businesses address customers with tu, so you will see it on signs even in places where staff use Lei with you in person.
When you are unsure, start with Lei. Being too formal is a small, forgivable mistake that the other person can fix with one sentence. Being too familiar with an older stranger or an official comes across as rude.
Lei takes exactly the same verb form as he or she. That makes it easy to learn and easy to get wrong, because the English mind wants to keep the second person ending.
| Verb | tu | Lei | Example with Lei |
|---|---|---|---|
| essere | sei | è | Di dov'è? |
| avere | hai | ha | Ha una camera libera? |
| stare | stai | sta | Come sta? |
| potere | puoi | può | Può ripetere, per favore? |
| sapere | sai | sa | Sa dov'è la stazione? |
| volere | vuoi | vuole | Vuole un caffè? |
| parlare | parli | parla | Parla inglese? |
| chiamarsi | ti chiami | si chiama | Come si chiama? |
Everything that refers to the person you are addressing follows Lei.
| tu form | Lei form | Example with Lei |
|---|---|---|
| ti (to you) | Le | Le posso offrire qualcosa? |
| ti (you, as object) | La | La ringrazio. |
| te (after a preposition) | Lei | Grazie a Lei. |
| tuo, tua | Suo, Sua | Il Suo nome, per favore? |
Adjectives and participles agree with the real person, not with the word Lei. Signor Bianchi, Lei è stanco? but Signora Bianchi, Lei è stanca?
Commands are where Lei surprises people most, because the formal command uses a different form, borrowed from the subjunctive. These are some of the most useful words for a traveler, and English speakers tend to learn only the tu version.
| Meaning | tu | Lei |
|---|---|---|
| Excuse me (to get attention) | Scusa | Scusi |
| Listen, say... | Senti | Senta |
| Tell me, how can I help? | Dimmi | Mi dica |
| Come in, have a seat | Accomodati | Si accomodi |
| Look | Guarda | Guardi |
| Come | Vieni | Venga |
Stopping a stranger on the street, say Scusi. When a shopkeeper says Mi dica, they are not asking you to say something specific; it means "What can I get you?"
Ciao belongs with tu. Saying ciao to an older shopkeeper or a hotel receptionist sounds overly familiar. With Lei, use Buongiorno or Buonasera to say hello and Arrivederci to say goodbye. You may hear the even more formal ArrivederLa in shops and offices. Salve is a handy neutral hello when you cannot decide.
The most common English speaker mistake is starting formally and slipping into tu halfway through. Watch for these:
Italians call the two forms dare del tu and dare del Lei: to give someone tu or Lei. The older person, or the one with more seniority, usually offers the switch. Phrases you will hear:
Once someone offers tu, accept it and switch right away. Going back to Lei afterward can feel cold.
For more than one person, modern Italian uses voi whether the situation is formal or casual: Voi siete pronti? A very formal plural, Loro, still turns up in elegant restaurants and hotels, but you do not need to use it yourself. In some southern areas, older speakers may also address one person with voi as a sign of respect. Recognize it, but stick to Lei.
Choosing between tu and Lei becomes instinct only after you have switched back and forth in real exchanges, at a hotel desk, in a shop, with a new friend. Practicing both registers out loud, for example with Polly in PollyStop, lets you make the mix-ups in private first.
Use Lei, with phrases like scusi and mi porta il conto, per favore. Young staff in casual places may use tu with you, and you can follow their lead.
Writing Lei with a capital L marks it as formal you rather than she. It is common in formal letters and emails, optional in casual writing, and inaudible in speech.
With an older stranger, a shopkeeper or an official, it can sound too familiar. Among young people in casual settings, tu is normal from the start.
Grazie works for everyone. To be explicitly formal, say la ringrazio, or grazie a Lei when returning thanks.
